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Personal vent. I have nowhere else I can put this so it's going here.

How can someone who loves life hate themselves so much. When I tell someone I struggle with severe depression they automatically assume that I want to kill myself but that's not it. I love living. I love the experiences, the love from others, the colors of nature, I love it all, just not myself. I hate who I am. I hate how I think, how I look, and how others perceive me. I disgust myself looking at selfies I tried to take to make myself feel confident. I've done nothing but ruin people around me and destroy good things in the past and it doesn't matter what I do, nothing can change that. I just want to live. I try so hard to not be who I've been but I feel like it's never good enough. I spent years running from myself with drugs and since I've gotten clean, I don't know who I am. I just know I hate the girl in the mirror. People in my new life worry about me. I go through phases where these thoughts just scream at me and I can't focus and I'll feel like I'm losing my mind. I've tried to explain it to them but they'll never really understand. I feel pathetic because I'm 25 this year and I just got started on trying to love myself and I'm so lost. I really hope this gets better with time. 

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